Author: Lori Borgman-Tribune News Service

Columnist Lori Borgman wrote the Borgman column for McClatchy-Tribune. (MCT)

Over the years, I have personally prepared or helped prepare more than 40 Thanksgiving turkeys, some of which are completely edible.

With my extensive experience and occasional use of fire extinguishers, I want to solve common questions about how to prepare the perfect Thanksgiving meal.

My idea for this product is simple: Don’t make Thanksgiving cooking mistakes-let me do it for you!

The most obvious problem is proper cooking time.

"How long does it take to roast a turkey?"

Traditionally, for oven-roasted birds, you multiply the weight of the turkey by 15 (15 minutes per pound). Because of skepticism about undercooked poultry, I suggest taking the product of the turkey weight multiplied by 15, and then multiplying that number by the sum of all the numbers in your mobile phone number (including the area code). No one has ever complained that my turkey is not cooked. My turkey may taste like the sole of your shoes, but they have never been cooked.

"Does adding a little white wine to the gravy help?"

In my experience, wine has little effect on gravy, but it can have a calming effect on the chef.

"What do you think is the essential kitchen tool for preparing turkey?"

Experts say that a waterproof digital thermometer is essential. The best can be bought in high-end home furnishing stores, and they are very expensive. The basic kitchen tool I can't live without is a small DeWalt drill (with a cute yellow suitcase) with a masonry drill bit that can penetrate concrete. You will use the thermometer once or twice to cook a big bird, but you will use the drill several times to try to determine what is happening deep in the still frozen beast.

"How do you take out the visceral bag, intestines and toddler buried deep in the bird's body?"

For many years, I wore plastic gloves and threw the bag out with a wrench. In the end, I found myself mentally healthier and more able to enjoy the vacation, leaving the disgusting little bag in it and letting it explode. Make sure you have a self-cleaning oven. Oh, hard work looks surprised.

The best turkey ever made by my grandma: golden on the outside, pure and delicious on the inside. Unfortunately, I don’t know how she did it because I was a child, one of my mother’s 23 cousins, and they were all routinely told to "get out and stay outside!"

"What is the best turkey you have ever eaten?"

Without a doubt, the best turkey I have ever had is tender turkey breast, smoked, thinly sliced, and bought in honey-roasted ham.

Lori Borgman is a columnist, writer, and speaker. Contact her at lori@loriborgman.com.

Lori Borgman is a columnist, writer, and speaker. Contact her at lori@loriborgman.com.

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